My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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