Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
