Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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