Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
