Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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