was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
I just found a bag of teeth...
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
