she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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