It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize