i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize