i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
