The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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