Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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