respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
