I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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