Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
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