Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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