remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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