just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
