i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I need to calm my uterus...
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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