Screwed.edu
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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