i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
