I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize