yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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