I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
