Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
