Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
