I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
how drunk are you?
Several
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
