I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
