I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
