there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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