Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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