My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
