I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Randomize