She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
