I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
