my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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