But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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