the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Randomize
