Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize