i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
