I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
