Girls should come with a carfax report
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize