its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
