Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
i need an iv and a liver transplant
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
