Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
