Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize