I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
