I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
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