considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
