Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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