then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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