she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
