awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
