Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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