Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
