PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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